On a sweltering hot July afternoon, I got a call from the doctor's office that would change my life and my perspective forever. I answered the phone, and to my surprise, the kind but urgent voice of my doctor greeted me on the other end. Usually, the nursing staff does follow-up calls, but this was my doctor, specifically my prenatal specialist I had been seeing over the last few months after I was diagnosed with a high-risk pregnancy.
"Dana, your test results have come back, and I'm going to need you to come to Labor and Delivery sooner rather than later," he had urged. At the time, I was just barely eight months pregnant (34 weeks) and I was very ill. To put it bluntly, I had been expecting this kind of call, but not this soon. You see, I had been blessed with several terrifying side effects that only affect about 5% of all pregnancies. Hyperemesis Gravidarum (violent morning sickness the entire nine months), Prenatal Hypertension (Preeclampsia), and the more common of the three, Gestational Diabetes. That's right, I had hit the jackpot! Truly, I should have tried my hand with the lottery, because if it was a symptom, I had it.
At this point in my pregnancy, I was throwing up about 3-4 times a day (if I was lucky), while trying to manage my irrational blood sugars from dehydration and malnourishment. But the real beast of the three, was the Preeclampsia. Sounds scary right? Like it's clamping down on your chest until you take your last breath. Apparently, my lab results showed that my kidneys and liver were not functioning, resulting in heavy bleeding in my urine. I had gained about six pounds in two days from fluid retention because there were toxins building up in my body. I had developed severe preeclampsia, which can result in a stroke, seizure or death. Just what every soon-to-be mom wants to hear, am I right?
After fading in and out of the rest of that phone call, I quickly gathered all my essentials (including a stapler, and my office chair because I was so damn frantic) and kindly notified my boss that I was going on maternity leave effective that day. I then proceeded to call my husband and blubber half-audible fragments of words to him as I rushed to the hospital, surely sending him into panic mode, and finally, I called my mom. Because in that moment, I really needed my mom.
As I tried to pull the same blubbery act on her, she stopped me and said something to me I'll never forget. She said "Baby, you're a mom now. Now boss up, raise that chin high, and walk proudly into that hospital." She was right. I had earned that badge of honor. I had fought hard to make it this far, and I couldn't possibly give up now. I needed to boss. the. hell. up.
So I did.
I wiped away my tears, got out of my car and raised my chin high, just like my momma told me to do. Because I was a mom now, and that's what we do. I waddled my incredibly swollen self through the fifty-seven thousand mile-long parking lot, through the front doors, and breezed past the receptionist. I was too scared to ask for a wheel chair for fear I would melt into a muddled mess again. I continued to the elevator, and pregnant-marched to the Labor & Delivery, where I calmly checked myself in with a smile, like I was at the Holiday Inn.
Pregnancy can be unpredictable. After only a few hours of being checked in, my blood pressure skyrocketed to imminent levels. Time seemed to go in slow motion as nurses rushed my bedside. In the moment, it was pure terror, and I distinctly remember the doctor's expression as the nurses worked, as if he were silently praying I'd make it. I remember wondering if this was the last time I'd ever see my husband, if I would ever get to see my baby, if I would die and leave my husband wifeless and childless. The thoughts that race through your head when you're facing mortality are the thoughts that I will never shake. I never expected the cards I was dealt, and sometimes I still feel the terror like aftershocks from an earthquake.
Thank God for smart, well-trained medical professionals. After a grueling 24 hours of steroids and magnesium, I was ready to deliver through an emergency C-section. They saw me through it, and saved me and my beautiful baby boy. I delivered him that morning, and although he was a month early, he was healthy. And just in case you were wondering, I would do it all again in a heartbeat. And not just because I know the ending to that story.
With a near death experience, I walked away with my eyes wide open. I cherished what I had more, but I also faced some hard questions.
Am I living my life to the fullest?
Am I playing it too safe?
Am I not doing what I truly want because I care too much what others will think?
It was time for a self-reflection and I was faced with some hard truths. I was staying in my comfort zone, too afraid of branching out for fear of failure. With my need to please everyone, I was isolating myself and conforming to what I thought others wanted from me.
So I decided to make a choice. I decided to start...living. Since my experience, I have gained a super power. The ability to see and be. Not only do I cherish every day I have now, but I force myself to make bold choices, embrace who I am and let those hidden parts of me shine.
I wanted, NEEDED to find my voice again, and be more confident with sharing it, no matter who is listening.
And so a book was born.
Have you lived today? Really, truly lived?
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